The wheels are always spinning. Most of the time like wicked gears in an old clock. Sometimes out of sync, sometimes too slowly, but most of the time much too fast. And curiously…
I’m walking to drop off our rent check today, eating some Tic-Tacs and I’m thinking to myself, “Why am I eating? Is it because I am hungry? Is it because I crave it? Is it habit?”
I know this may seem trivial, but is it?
I am wondering,
What is my motivation?
What are my motives? For everything.
Like what were my motives for this quilt block? To achieve the equivalent of a Jackson Pollock with Amy Butler fabric. I know, it looks like someone ate them and then threw them up into a sad attempt at an Ohio Star, not yet pieced together (and I’m not sure if it ever will be).
And honestly, I don’t know. I am a very habitual person, that’s for sure. I wake up at the same time almost every day without fail and without an alarm, following the same using dream. And, as a matter of fact, I had the same recurring dream from the time I can remember dreaming, until just a few years ago. A very strange one involving crows, a beach house and a circular outer deck with no stairs down, and the crows were always chasing me around saying, “vagina”. Yeah, I know. It’s whacked out. I’ve never really been a fan of the term- so medicinal and sterile, but coming from a giant crow it becomes exceptionally creepy.
Back on track…
I guess my point was based in a fear of sorts. Are most people just functioning? Going through the motions. Is anybody thinking things through? What about intent? What are the motives here? What are mine?
I don’t want to live so purposefully that enjoying the freedom of appreciating what happens to be put in my path, however accidentally or not, becomes an impossibility. But I also dread and fear not being awake enough to notice these things.
I never want to wake up and realize that I’ve been sleeping through the best parts of my life.
And I’m starting to see, in complete contradiction to what I have believed, that there is so much beauty everywhere.
Walking home from the gym a few days ago I saw a guy in a sleeping bag on the sidewalk, probably not much older than me. Maybe even younger. He smiled at me so brightly that I couldn’t help but smile back. He didn’t even speak. He didn’t have to.
And maybe he was fucked up. I mean, I was fucked up on life at the time. But that changed me just a little bit. Woke me up, just a little bit. It was like something was saying, “Wake up Ash, you can choose to see something else”.
I am anxiously waiting for my Mom to get her package I sent (late) for Mother’s Day
And in my own mailbox I received these fabrics
I don’t think I have ever gotten my Mom something for Mother’s Day. I have always been too caught up in using. It feels pretty awesome to be able to be there and let her know how much I love her, as corny as it sounds. Even if it is a little late. 
(sorry Mom!)
This will probably be your mother’s best Mother’s Day ever, late or not. I love that cute little bird fabric on top, and you can always use your star block for a pot holder (cooking pot, not the other kind ). A 7″ block layered with batting and insul-brite becomes a nice 6 1/2″ hot pad that friends love as gifts. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
You could always make your dream into an art quilt. It would make quite a statement and set the quilting world on a tilt.
Consider the pot holder project done (love that idea) and the art quilt? A fantastic idea. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Will put it on the list of projects to do once I am not intimidated by the idea. (jk)
Correction: You will get a 6″ pot holder from a 7” square, but who’s counting?
Hey
I understand what you going throw . I have one of those minds you have been describing . What save my ass was just keeping things simply. I Do all I can to stay in the now of today. I tell the many voices in my head that they are no longer going to run my life. I just do all I can to do the next right thing. The voices are still there but not as loud. I have to stay the course and not let the voices ship wreck me into using again. I know today it going to take time to get my head in a place to where it does not lead me to self destruction.
Helping others is really help me get well. I love you a lot and know you are going to be OK. Just keep working the program even if you do not think it’s working . For me it all about growing up and see the world around me with a new pair glasses . GARY
Thank you so much for your insightful words. I love all of the emails and texts you send me BTW. A lot of times they make my day. You know, Brandon and I both believe you to be a little psychic. The day I drank, all of your emails were about staying sober no matter what. Funny, huh? Well, not funny, but you know what I mean.
I love your comparison to seeing the world through a new pair of glasses with sobriety. I often use the same one, substituting the words window or something similar. I think it’s time I start listening to you (and perhaps my true self) a little more.
You are my motivation, babe. I love you.
I love you too, Cuterson.
Okay Chick, there really is no quilt police that will show up on your doorstep to bust you for not having absolute, precise points. Finish the darn quilt! Enjoy the process! I have been addictively quilting for 6 years now, and my points are finally starting to line up. Some of the time. But I have never had anyone refuse a quilt because of it!
Hahaha. Had a very strong visual image of “the quilt police”. I might have to do a doodle of that.
I loveeeeeeee my beautiful earrings, wonderful card and the earring pouch you personally made for me. I especially love my most recent conscious daughter. beautiful quilting Ash:) i lv u. thank you for my mothers day gifts…all of them