I have always felt that I had control over most things. Deciding to exercise that control usually sounded exhausting and unworthy of the result, but occasionally I would grab the wheel of my life and jerk it the direction I currently deemed correct or towards what I wanted. Mostly, I believe I have been using my self guidance to avoid things, just trying to steer clear.
I have also quit drinking and quit doing drugs before. Many times, but for many and much different reasons.
I was always running out of something. Quitting seems to have been my temporary fix for running out of the ways and means to get more.
Now, I have found myself in a new and precarious position. Where before, I was seemingly in a little more control of my alcoholism, I now have a very strong disease presence and my will is extremely weak.
This is the best way I can describe it:
Intellectually, I am aware of my needs- I do not need to drink. Emotionally, I am aware of my desires. I do not want to drink. I can distinguish the differences. But still, there is something that almost courses through my veins, aching and screaming for a drink.
Most of the time it isn’t screaming. More like a quiet hum, like a motor running or the rain. Constant. But other times, when I consciously think about using, it is deafening.
That didn’t used to be there. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have hundreds of internal dialogues running at once, but this is the first time that I can pick out this voice in particular. And so clearly.
Yesterday, having been sick for several days, I went to an appointment I had at ten a.m. I sat, and waited, and waited. The person never showed- which was very surprising given this person’s profession and our relationship. I left the missed appointment and on the way home swung into the Walgreens Pharmacy half a block from my home to get a thermometer and managed to pick up some NyQuil as well, looking forward to the sleep this product promises as well as feeling better.
Almost instantly after taking it, I began with a mental obsession. I am sure this sounds ridiculous, but this is the point to which my disease has progressed. Even when I started feeling better, I was still thinking about when I would and if I should or could take more.
Then the guilt started to overwhelm me. Followed closely by that compulsive, almost grabbiness. It was the same feeling I get when I drink. Had someone put a glass of whiskey in my shot of NyQuil?
Is this a relapse?
Does this mean I have to reset my sobriety date?
If I do, I should really go get a drink, because, I mean, fuck it, right?
Am I stuck here?
Seriously. It was just like that. Right back to the exact same mindset I was in on day one. I could feel the undertow of my addiction pulling and tugging at me in the fog of the drug like I was up to my neck in water, fully clothed and about to be pulled into a wave sneaking up behind me. For a long time using has felt like being caught under the water in a wave at the beach, cycling and spinning me around as I scramble for my breath until I finally become so disoriented I forget what I was doing in the first place. Trying to escape my own escape.
So, due to the feelings that taking this medicine conjured up I feel that the appropriate thing to do is change my sobriety date to today. Not that I want to, but because I have to. Because to be honest is to truly live and for me, to lie is to die.