Not that there wasn’t a time where doing drugs was awesome (because there was- you heard it here first) but after a certain amount of time, all of the good qualities fade away and the negativity creeps in. All of those fucking annoying consequences steadily stream in. And they aren’t there just hanging out. They are taking over your life. Or better yet, they were taking over my life.
As a woman and an alcoholic, of course I am totally obsessed with my self image. More specifically, my weight. I don’t know how or when this happened, but at some point in my life I seriously and without question began to associate being thin with being happy, being beautiful, being better. And to be totally honest, drugs are a freaking fabulous way to keep your weight down. I mean, hey, your face might age twenty years ahead of it’s time, but you’ll slip rather than squeeze into that size 2 with ease when you’re shooting a drug that makes food uninteresting. The craziest thing is that when I was so strung out, even though I knew my face was a mess with sores and my hair was falling out from malnutrition, I thought I looked good because I was thin.
I hope you guys didn’t think that because I was sober that I was getting sane, because I’m about to release the crazy all over again.
So there is a twelve step program called OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and I have been thinking and talking about going for a long (I mean LONG time) but most recently something happened that pushed me over the edge from thinking and into actually going. Brandon made a comment about how much I look in the mirror and whether he actually meant that I was vain or not doesn’t matter. What matters is this: my life is out of control in this area. I mean seriously out of control. I do look in the mirror all the time but not because I am vain. It’s because I am constantly looking, checking to see if I have gained any weight.
I found myself in a place of despair. I’m looking at pictures of women on the Internet who are thin and wishing I looked that way even though I know in reality that I AM a size 2. It’s like reality and my mind will not rectify. I am waiting and waiting to eat until I am so hungry I get light headed. I’m eating and then feeling panicked- like I’ve eaten too much- and then throwing it up. I feel good or bad dependent upon whether the people I am around are more or less thin than me.
Without the drugs to keep this drowned out, what appears to be a serious eating disorder has finally fully surfaced to rage.
Even though I have a lot of fear around giving up these behaviors (my number one thought is: in order to recover from this do I have to get fat?!)- I know that getting my life together in all of these other areas and not at least attempting to do something abut this would be stupid.
It has been over eight months since I’ve had a drink or a drug. I’m going to meetings and working the steps. I have my second interview (a trial shift) at a restaurant I really want to work at on Thursday. I am taking my yoga classes really seriously- doing a lot of doubles- in preparation of going to teacher training in September. All of these great things are coming together… I can’t have them destroyed by another mental twist I can’t get under control.
So, like I said, I went to my first meeting yesterday, and honestly, it kind of made me want to act out on those behaviors more. It was a literature meeting and the story we read was pretty triggering. Talking about weight and sizes and unhealthy related behaviors… I think in the long run I won’t feel this way afterwards, but it was definitely strange to talk openly about these things. To hear someone say “I’m bulimic,” well, that’s just something you don’t say out loud, you know?
As far as sewing goes, specifically sewing on my quilt, I have been freaking sucking it up. It is so frustrating trying to quilt a queen sized quilt with a freaking Singer with a throat the size of my fist. OH MY GOD. Sometimes I want to just throw it all out the window. So, that being said, I have been taking my time and have about 1/3 of it done.
To tide me over in between bouts of frustration I made a small “bike basket blanket” for my dog Ferdinand. I used two layers of organic cotton batting and just flipped it out, meaning: this was a binding-less blanket. Not really a quilt. But after putting a little piece of cardboard at the bottom of my bike basket, Ferdinand was ready to roll. Now it’s just up to me to become a better rider. 
Hi! I have been reading your blog for almost a year (I stumbled on it when trying to search for fabric shops in SF). I am in OA and I applaud you going to a meeting. There are a lot of people that come to OA meetings that have found that food is a problem for them after they have put down something else. I don’t know about SF in particular, but in most meetings I have been to, we try to avoid mentioning specific foods in order not to trigger anyone. Don’t worry, it will get easier the more you go. Best of luck to you!
You’re totally right how careful everyone was about mentioning specific food and other triggering things. It was actually ME who triggered myself (lol). I didn’t know that when we were reading instead of saying the actual number (for example: 110 pounds) we were to say: “blank number of pounds” or “x number of pounds”. I guess now I know.
I am really looking forward to going back.
I can’t give you any advise on the eating or drug/alcohol thing (except to say keep up the good work on working on yourself) but as far as the quilting thing, I can feel for you. I do all my machine quilting on a domestic machine and even though it’s tough, it can be done. A good set up is a must – do you have a large area behind the quilt so it doesn’t pull down in the back and it helps to have a little table to the left of you too to keep that part from pulling down to the floor. At least you won’t have to struggle with the weight of the quilt when you are trying to move it around.
You hit the nail on the head with the set up. My table backs up to a wall so my quilt ends up bunching up back there when I run it through my machine. And yes, I have the quilt pooling on the floor and that tug makes it really difficult. I think correcting those things is really going to make a difference. Thank you!!
>I used two layers of organic cotton batting and just flipped it out, meaning: this was a >binding-less blanket. Not really a quilt.
Hey! It is TOO a REAL quilt!! I don’t care if you bind it by turing the back to the front, front to the back, pillow-case-style, etc., etc., – you made it and IT IS A REAL QUILT!! Don’t set yourself up to fail – celebrate your successes instead.
I don’t care if it is quilted by hand or by machine or just tied – IT IS REAL.
I am a machine quilter and I started doing that years ago when the only ‘real’ quilts were pieced by hand and quilted by hand. Rubbish!
It does help to have a table (even your ironing board) to help hold the weight of the quilt as you work on it. It also helps to have it basted well – I like to spray baste mine (I highly recommend 505 Basting Spray) so they don’t shift around so much (and so I don’t have to take my safety pins out).
Hang in there, woman, you are doing what is right for yourself!
Linda
LOL. You are so funny. Thank you so much for saying that. It totally made me feel better about my little quilt (aka bike blanket). I now swear by the same basting spray- I HATE SAFETY PINS!
Ferdinand’s bike blanket is too cute, and he looks so happy in there. As far as your food and other addictions, try not to trade one for another. Eight months is a huge milestone, you are doing very well! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming : )
You’re totally right about trading one for another. It’s so crazy how addictive my personality is. If it’s not drugs or alcohol, it is ice-cream or exercise. Sometimes I find myself just saying, “WTF brain?!”. Lol.
I just finished quilting (free motion) 2 tops that I was sure was going to push me right over the edge, but they’re just warm-ups for the 3 larger tops waiting to be finished. What I found extremely helpful was a post by Elizabeth Hartman, of Oh!Fransson fame http://www.ohfransson.com/oh_fransson/2012/04/tips-for-free-motion-quilting-a-larger-quilt.html. Once I saw how she broke down the project, it made my life oh, so much better. I also like that she deviates from the traditional way of moving the fabric. Her way was much easier for me to move the fabric around my work area.
The other thing I have is a recessed table for my machine. However, I did make my own sewing extension table out of oak veneered plywood and dowels for the legs. A larger surface area definitely makes it easier to move large quantities of fabric. I hope this information helps.
As to your teeth problems, have you checked into the dental clinic at UCSF? My brother went to dental school in NY and by the time they’re finishing their 4th year, they need to work on real people. It might be an affordable solution to some, if not all of your dental needs.
And lastly, I suffered from anorexia in high school and 35+ years later, it’s still a part of my mental makeup. While not skinny, underfed or unhealthy, food or the lack of it is seriously obsessive with me. I have to have food with me at all times. I don’t want to eat it, I just need to know that I have some nearby. If I don’t go to the gym, I guilt myself to death. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in decades and french fries are only something I dream about. I wish I could break free from the bondage of my obsessive thinking around food, but I’m learning to let a lot of it go. Daily. With lots of backsliding.
I just wanted to thank you so much for your comment. By reading it I realized some things about myself that I don’t think I would have otherwise.
First of all, I love your link. I actually like that site a lot. It may sound kind of ridiculous but when my quilting is going well, I feel great about perusing other quilters sites, but when I’m stalling out I get so frustrated.
Secondly, what I realized about myself: I carry food with me too! Always! These little snack bars or candy. I’m not sure what that means, but not understanding it doesn’t take away from how comforting it is to identify with you. Thank you!
Don’t give up. Things do get better. It just takes time.
I am 43 years old and in the past two years came to accept that I don’t know what I look like. And it doesn’t matter. What I look like isn’t who I am. Perhaps someday things will be different, but right now that is the way it is.
Fortunately, no matter how I look I can still quilt, right?!