Alright. It’s for real this time, so I think it’s about time I said something about it.
I quit smoking.
I have quit for nine days now (after smoking slightly more than a pack a day for over ten years) and let me tell you one thing:
I can’t believe Brandon is still with me.
Holy God. I have been such a horrible bitch. I mean, horrible.
And its the worst kind of bitch. I don’t want to be shitty. I don’t want to be angry. All I want is a cigarette. But then I feel it like a low level of magma inside of me all the time. The Nicotine rage just boils. And then it flows right out of my mouth and I feel like I am watching a train wreck or something from about a block away. I cannot stop the bitch. Jesus. It is horrible.
I have spent a lot of time holing up in my house watching Law and Order reruns and trying not to create enemies by going into public. I think it is working so far…
I haven’t even worked on my quilt because whenever a little snag comes about I just fucking lose my mind. I had no idea how attached I was to a freaking package of rolled up tobacco.
That being said, I am stoked I’m quitting because I know this will pass and all this shows me is how much I was truly altered by smoking. If I am this angry and crazy without cigarettes, I couldn’t have been my true self while under their influence.
Still… Coffee is not and will never be the same… Ever.
I also had some reassurance of my progress when on Saturday I nearly lost my freaking mind and ran to the store, bought a pack and lit up a smoke. I only smoked half of it- IT TASTED HORRIBLE. So now I know, there’s no going back.
Once I have gotten a few pieces of Nicotine Gum in my system I think I’m going to start back quilting today.
In other news, my job at the cafe ended so I am no longer having to wake up at 5:30 in the morning (thankyougod) and I am super excited to see where this is going to take my yoga practice. I have been so exhausted from getting up early that everything I’ve been trying to execute lately has pretty much suffered.
Although it was going to be a surprise, Brandon figured out what I got him for his birthday:
A skydiving lesson!
I first saw this ‘Google Deal’ for kayaking, which I thought would be kind of cool (I imagined Ferdinand in a little vest and goggles), especially if we did the sunset trip, but when I went to purchase it the application failed. I kept clicking “checkout” but it never charged my card. Annoyed, I switched devices and tried to look it up on my iPhone and the first thing that popped up was sky diving… Yup. I knew that was it. Ten thousand feet in the air. I was worried Brandon would be like, “umm… Hell no.”. But he seems super excited. I actually can’t wait to post the pictures from it! (too bad it’s not until the 12th). Maybe next time I’ll go with him!
Hang in there. You CAN do it! The crabbiness won’t last forever and you will be so much healthier!!!
It does get easier.. and coffee will be good again.. don’t worry. remember you are going through a grieving process for something that although horrible. you had a use for. I did the same thing..bought a pack and had one.. about choked to death.. that’s whenI knew I really DID want to quit.the other side is worth it!! it’s been 11 years now and I am thankful every day I don’t wake up to a cigarette craving. This is the nicest thing you will ever do for yourself .. its worth being a bitch for a few weeks.. this too shall pass…. ((cyber hugs from a stranger))