What’s My Vector, Victor?

Sometimes it feels weird patting myself on the back for doing what “normal” people do every day with absolute ease…

Way to go! You haven’t put a needle in your arm in a few months!

High five! You didn’t spend the rent money on drugs!

Wow! Fantastic! You got a job!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a fucking hellish journey from living in an empty apartment- being unable to afford furniture, scraping together change to buy smokes and ramen, washing clothes in the bath tub with bar soap and drying them on the fire escape, but sometimes, I guess I get the impression that my life is a little mickey mouse.

That being said, in spite of how hard it has been to put down the bottle and stay away from the drugs, it is something totally doable.

This is my point: picking up drugs…putting them down… Those are decisions that can be made. Actions can be taken. Changes instituted. New beginnings marked.

However, when I just “can’t” write or just “can’t” sew, I don’t know what the hell to do aside from just wait it out. Wait until I am inspired. I tried working on a somewhat bland project- something simple- when I had this blockage of creativity and honestly, it just added to my frustration and in turn, I avoided sewing and writing that much more.

I don’t think I can just decide to turn on or off my creative mind. I think it just either flows or it doesn’t.

Either way, Brandon and I have recently gotten some very exciting news:

We got a new apartment!

Our move in date has been set for March the first and I cannot tell you how happy I am about this. Really. As much as I love our current home, I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here. We are not only upgrading in space (from 600 square feet to 1300) but also in atmosphere. So many memories are held in the walls of this apartment that I look forward to shrugging off as we step into the new one.

It’s not that our place now is horrible, it’s just the little things. The little things that crawl under my skin when I least expect it. A splatter of blood on the wall that I can’t get off from when I discharged a needle accidentally. A syringe cap that has been trapped under the dresser that I find while cleaning. All the pictures and paint I love but picked out when I was using.

No, I will not be sad to say goodbye.

So, in celebration of our new apartment I have been inspired (yes!! Inspired!!) to make a quilt for our bed!

It is another string quilt, which I am using my scraps for (of course) and am doing in a pink/blue or red/blue color scheme. This is what I have so far:


I have a fresh pot of coffee, the dog is asleep and a bit of time on my hands so I think it’s about time I crank out a few more squares before yoga. :)

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4 Responses to What’s My Vector, Victor?

  1. Barbara Sindlinger says:

    It’s okay to pat yourself on the back. Congrats on the new apartment.

  2. Michelle says:

    Congratulations on the new digs, and you know what? You are finding what normal is…. we all have those things in our lives that creep in and remind us of a bad time or good time, but when you find yourself out of inspiration, and just have to “wait it out” THAT is normal :-) I have to be in the mood to do the tings like sewing or cross stitch, and when i am not I still long to do it, but have no inspiration, until it passes. You are finding normal. I am so proud of you and so proud to be able to follow you and your story. I let the girls from the RWB swap know that you were doing well and had 5 months sober. They are proud of you too!! Your quilt for your new bedroom is looking awesome. Can’t wait to see more.

    • Ashley says:

      Hey. Just wanted to say thank you so much for your support through everything and for letting the ladies from the block swap know how I’m doing- I have let my shame drive my world into being very small in some areas and that is one of them. I feel sick with guilt when I think about it. Getting your comment just lightened my heart and I cannot tell you, again, how much your support means. I’ve gotten about 50 (give or take a few) squares done over the last couple days and only need 23 more before I can start sewing them all together. :)

  3. Frances Chislett says:

    Love your new quilt. You are an amazing person. Best wishes for happy quilting in your new home.

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