Tenderloin Textiles

I am so glad that I didn’t have a job during the first few months of my sobriety. For starters, I don’t think I could have gotten sober as a high bottom and having a job- having a way to support my habit- would have just prolonged my drinking and using. But it also allowed me to completely focus my energy on getting sober, staying sober and doing healthy things. So, as with every other period in my life, I have grown out of this place in which it is okay to be unemployed.

For starters, being twenty-seven years old and having to ask my fiancé for money any and every time I want or need to buy anything freaking sucks. It makes me feel like an asshole and it puts him in a shitty position as well. I mean, shit, he is only thirty-one and although he has financially helped me in a most selfless and generous way, I’m sure supporting his other half wasn’t on his list of things he was just dying to do. The whole self-esteem thing aside, I have some things I need to take care of- specifically, my teeth. I’ve written about this before… I have a dentist who I am confident in, but the amount of work I need done is pretty extensive, although you wouldn’t know it from looking at my front teeth (fuck you methamphetamine). This is something I need to take care of before I go to teacher training in mid September. The last thing I want to do is pay 11 grand for teacher training and end of having to leave before I get certified because of something with my teeth.

So, what all this is leading up to is this:

I got a job!

I’m going to be waiting tables (not bar tending) at a really cute restaurant on Pier 39. It is called Pier Market. I cannot express how grateful I am to have gotten this job. I actually have my orientation this Friday at ten in the morning and, according to the general manager who contacted me this morning, will be starting my training next week!

I know that eight and a half months ago, with my alcoholism raging and totally addicted to meth, I was absolutely unemployable. It is crystal clear to me that the only reason I am being afforded this opportunity is that I am sober.

So, short term goals are:
1. Get through training and orientation at new job
2. Work hard and prove myself as a good, dedicated worker

Mid term goals are:
1. Work with my dentist to get my teeth fixed
2. Continue my regular, dedicated yoga practice

Long tern goals are:
1. Register for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training
2. Leave for LA teacher training in September

The best part of all of this was when I talked to my Mom today and she said something to the effect of, “You are setting goals and taking real steps in the right direction, Ash”.

I don’t think I have smiled that big in a long time.

I realize that a lot of women plan their weddings (at least in their heads) from the time they were little… I guess after having taken a break from life with a trip through the bottom of a bottle, I’m back and ready to plan. I was really excited about using Pinterest to collect ideas and looks that I liked. Unfortunately, unless a laptop falls from the sky and into my lap I am kind of temporarily screwed. The “Pin It” button isn’t working on my iPad or on my iPhone.

You know, I just reread that last paragraph and I’m afraid I sound a bit like a whiny bitch with luxury problems.

Geez. Sorry about that. That’s the worst.

So, let’s get on to the positive already!

“People” (whoeverthefuck “people” are) are always talking about how difficult planning a wedding is. How much work it is… I’m kind of freaked. I mean, I started making my guest list and got to about ten people then decided to make more coffee and just never came back to it.

Brandon and I have gone back and forth from wanting a getaway wedding to now thinking we will go back to Texas and have it so our families can be there. The idea is always changing. However, one thing I knew I wanted to do from the beginning was instead of having a registry book or a guest book for everyone to sign and write notes in at the reception, we want to have a photo booth. The kind that produces two identical strips of photos per session. That way everyone can just go inside, take their own photos, maybe write a note on the back and leave us one copy while getting to keep their own! While having someone photograph the main events, this would be more personal and give us a visual guest book!
(If you couldn’t tell, I’m kind of nerded out on this)
I don’t even have my guest list made and I’ve already looked up pricing for renting one (which you can get under 40$ a day FYI)

Anyways, I haven’t been doing anything in regards to quilting other than seeing a quilting friend last night. She is actually a friend who quilts and knits, which she has even agreed to teach me if I ever get around to asking her. I would absolutely love to learn… Someday.

However, today is different. Today I woke up with the quilting bug! And even though it makes the cringe to think of wrangling this huge freaking quilt through my Singer, I am committed to getting some work done today. In all seriousness, Brandon and I need the quilt.

Not that there wasn’t a time where doing drugs was awesome (because there was- you heard it here first) but after a certain amount of time, all of the good qualities fade away and the negativity creeps in. All of those fucking annoying consequences steadily stream in. And they aren’t there just hanging out. They are taking over your life. Or better yet, they were taking over my life.

As a woman and an alcoholic, of course I am totally obsessed with my self image. More specifically, my weight. I don’t know how or when this happened, but at some point in my life I seriously and without question began to associate being thin with being happy, being beautiful, being better. And to be totally honest, drugs are a freaking fabulous way to keep your weight down. I mean, hey, your face might age twenty years ahead of it’s time, but you’ll slip rather than squeeze into that size 2 with ease when you’re shooting a drug that makes food uninteresting. The craziest thing is that when I was so strung out, even though I knew my face was a mess with sores and my hair was falling out from malnutrition, I thought I looked good because I was thin.

I hope you guys didn’t think that because I was sober that I was getting sane, because I’m about to release the crazy all over again.

So there is a twelve step program called OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and I have been thinking and talking about going for a long (I mean LONG time) but most recently something happened that pushed me over the edge from thinking and into actually going. Brandon made a comment about how much I look in the mirror and whether he actually meant that I was vain or not doesn’t matter. What matters is this: my life is out of control in this area. I mean seriously out of control. I do look in the mirror all the time but not because I am vain. It’s because I am constantly looking, checking to see if I have gained any weight.

I found myself in a place of despair. I’m looking at pictures of women on the Internet who are thin and wishing I looked that way even though I know in reality that I AM a size 2. It’s like reality and my mind will not rectify. I am waiting and waiting to eat until I am so hungry I get light headed. I’m eating and then feeling panicked- like I’ve eaten too much- and then throwing it up. I feel good or bad dependent upon whether the people I am around are more or less thin than me.

Without the drugs to keep this drowned out, what appears to be a serious eating disorder has finally fully surfaced to rage.

Even though I have a lot of fear around giving up these behaviors (my number one thought is: in order to recover from this do I have to get fat?!)- I know that getting my life together in all of these other areas and not at least attempting to do something abut this would be stupid.

It has been over eight months since I’ve had a drink or a drug. I’m going to meetings and working the steps. I have my second interview (a trial shift) at a restaurant I really want to work at on Thursday. I am taking my yoga classes really seriously- doing a lot of doubles- in preparation of going to teacher training in September. All of these great things are coming together… I can’t have them destroyed by another mental twist I can’t get under control.

So, like I said, I went to my first meeting yesterday, and honestly, it kind of made me want to act out on those behaviors more. It was a literature meeting and the story we read was pretty triggering. Talking about weight and sizes and unhealthy related behaviors… I think in the long run I won’t feel this way afterwards, but it was definitely strange to talk openly about these things. To hear someone say “I’m bulimic,” well, that’s just something you don’t say out loud, you know?

As far as sewing goes, specifically sewing on my quilt, I have been freaking sucking it up. It is so frustrating trying to quilt a queen sized quilt with a freaking Singer with a throat the size of my fist. OH MY GOD. Sometimes I want to just throw it all out the window. So, that being said, I have been taking my time and have about 1/3 of it done.

To tide me over in between bouts of frustration I made a small “bike basket blanket” for my dog Ferdinand. I used two layers of organic cotton batting and just flipped it out, meaning: this was a binding-less blanket. Not really a quilt. But after putting a little piece of cardboard at the bottom of my bike basket, Ferdinand was ready to roll. Now it’s just up to me to become a better rider.

Alright. It’s for real this time, so I think it’s about time I said something about it.

I quit smoking.

I have quit for nine days now (after smoking slightly more than a pack a day for over ten years) and let me tell you one thing:

I can’t believe Brandon is still with me.

Holy God. I have been such a horrible bitch. I mean, horrible.

And its the worst kind of bitch. I don’t want to be shitty. I don’t want to be angry. All I want is a cigarette. But then I feel it like a low level of magma inside of me all the time. The Nicotine rage just boils. And then it flows right out of my mouth and I feel like I am watching a train wreck or something from about a block away. I cannot stop the bitch. Jesus. It is horrible.

I have spent a lot of time holing up in my house watching Law and Order reruns and trying not to create enemies by going into public. I think it is working so far…

I haven’t even worked on my quilt because whenever a little snag comes about I just fucking lose my mind. I had no idea how attached I was to a freaking package of rolled up tobacco.

That being said, I am stoked I’m quitting because I know this will pass and all this shows me is how much I was truly altered by smoking. If I am this angry and crazy without cigarettes, I couldn’t have been my true self while under their influence.

Still… Coffee is not and will never be the same… Ever.

I also had some reassurance of my progress when on Saturday I nearly lost my freaking mind and ran to the store, bought a pack and lit up a smoke. I only smoked half of it- IT TASTED HORRIBLE. So now I know, there’s no going back.

Once I have gotten a few pieces of Nicotine Gum in my system I think I’m going to start back quilting today.

In other news, my job at the cafe ended so I am no longer having to wake up at 5:30 in the morning (thankyougod) and I am super excited to see where this is going to take my yoga practice. I have been so exhausted from getting up early that everything I’ve been trying to execute lately has pretty much suffered.

Although it was going to be a surprise, Brandon figured out what I got him for his birthday:

A skydiving lesson!

I first saw this ‘Google Deal’ for kayaking, which I thought would be kind of cool (I imagined Ferdinand in a little vest and goggles), especially if we did the sunset trip, but when I went to purchase it the application failed. I kept clicking “checkout” but it never charged my card. Annoyed, I switched devices and tried to look it up on my iPhone and the first thing that popped up was sky diving… Yup. I knew that was it. Ten thousand feet in the air. I was worried Brandon would be like, “umm… Hell no.”. But he seems super excited. I actually can’t wait to post the pictures from it! (too bad it’s not until the 12th). Maybe next time I’ll go with him!

Okay, again, never mind the packing materials… I just wanted to post this because although I still have to assemble and adjust the front brake, I’m pretty proud of myself for even comprehending the YouTube video instructions. Not that they aren’t great. They are. I’m just such a hands on learner.

So, I finally got my bicycle in the mail yesterday! I am so excited!!

Not only did it take the minimum amount of time that they estimated to arrive, but I had been hoping that the color would be more of a beach-like, creamy blue and not electric blue.

Success!!!

Excuse the mess, please. It would probably look a lot nicer without all of the packaging trash around it… Oh yeah, and the front wheel attached.

Only one problem: the card regarding the warranty specifically says that in order for the warranty to be valid, the bike must be professionally assembled. Without knowing this, I unpacked the God damn box. So now I’m going to have to haul all of this unassembled crap over to a bike shop. Thanks to a regular customer at the cafe, I have learned that there is one just a single block away. Hopefully when I call them in a bit they will be cool with me bringing it over and helping me assemble it.

As far as the quilt goes, I had a pretty decent set back. The red top thread for the quilting looked freaking horrible. Even Brandon looked disturbed by it. So, after having done like a quarter of the quilting I seam ripped it all out. I guess I could tell that it wasn’t that great, but I didn’t want to admit how bad it looked. Like when I was done it would miraculously look better or something. Ugh. What an idiot I am sometimes. I have restarted the quilting using white and although it is extremely slow going (the throat of my machine is like the size of my fist) it looks a million times better.

One cool thing I learned throughout this process was in regards to seam ripping- which I loathe. I figured out that once I had ripped every four or so stitches on one side of a seam and pulled the back thread out, I am left with these little, annoying bits of top thread poking through the quilt. SO ANNOYING. Well, it doesn’t work for every single thread, but I started using a lint roller- the extra sticky kind for animal hair- that I had around the house to roll the quilt and it either picked out and removed or at the very least loosened and half way removed every thread. Very cool and time saving discovery. And who knows, there may be a much easier way, but I don’t know it!

Too hip to be square! Starting my quilting right now!!

Just a brief update:

The fabric glue sticks were a fail. They succeeded in attaching one side of the quilt to the batting, but required me to use each of the two sticks in their entirety. I was pretty much over the idea of anything else stick, so I called a local but long walk away fabric store in the mission district called Fabric Outlet. They confirmed having a stock of spray adhesive and so Ferdinand and I made the 3.6 mile round trip to go get it.

Which ended up being a really great time. The weather outside is absolutely incredible. Sunny and windy.

You can actually see how windy it is in this picture:

Ferdinand’s whole face is being distorted by a strong gust.

In spite of the beautiful weather outside, I’m stoked to be back at home, preparing to attach my backing!